Letting Go (in order to keep)

We’ve all heard or lived the stories—cautionary tales of codependent friendships, controlling in-laws, or toxic leader scenarios*. We tend to be shocked and disgusted when we see it on others while refusing to see it in ourselves. We try to ignore or laugh it off while fuming silently, allowing resentment to build. It's something that can happen to all of us. But isn’t there some way to get beyond this, live above it? Absolutely. And it starts with understanding what’s behind it.

Part of maturing is growing into an intimate relationship with Jesus, which requires our effort and pursuit (He’s already pursuing us). It also involves making sure we’re actually learning from Him (which would mean our behavior is starting to line up with His). We don’t just say Jesus is our everything; we live it. And because this is a lifelong process, it’s a continual journey of keeping in step with the Spirit and seeing ourselves as He sees us.

My primary purpose and identity (from which my functions flow) is to be God’s daughter. And when I’m fully anchored in this, then I can be who I am meant to be anytime, anyplace, always confident that my life has meaning and value no matter what. But whenever my value and purpose become anchored in being Jubilee the author or Jubilee the best friend or Jubilee the Bible teacher, then those things are more likely to be marred by disappointment.

It’s one of the inevitable parts of growing up—realizing that the wonderful things you’ve dreamed about (jobs, experiences, family, friends) are not meant to fill the God-shaped space in your soul. They are all delightful but temporary gifts from God, meant to point you back to Him and designed as opportunities to serve and enjoy Him and others.

So, how do you know if you’re anchored in the One Right Thing or if you’re choking a good thing to death trying to make sure it never leaves or disappoints you? Here are some questions I continually ask myself to make sure I’m not doing the latter. While understanding that these could also apply to experiences or opportunities or family dynamics, let’s focus on the context of friendships right now.

• Can you appreciate scenarios where the spotlight is on your friend without redirecting attention to yourself?

• Do you let your friends speak for themselves without always needing to supplement with your opinions?

• Are you trying to fast-forward or embellish levels of intimacy?

• Are you able to endure unmet expectations without acting like a victim?

• Do you know where to put your feelings, or do you dominate others' experiences with your emotions?

• Are you able to release assumptions/suspicions when they're proven wrong?

• Do you know how to strengthen yourself in the Lord or do you need your friends to support you emotionally all the time?

• Are you able to tell (by listening and observing) what people actually need from you, as opposed to what you want to give?

• Are you able to speak the Truth in love rather than ignoring sin or stewing in resentment?

• Do you mask aggression or pain with fake emotions and demand that others play along?

• Do you ever let your friends help or advise you, or are you uncomfortable with role-reversals? (Learning to receive well is as important as learning to give.)

• Do you respect your friends’ boundaries, communicated or implied?

• Do you dismiss your friends’ feelings or come against their decisions because they don’t line up with yours? Do you lash out when there's a disagreement, allowing your anger to swallow up any connection you had?

If you want to justify any of these behaviors or think they’re meaningless, you’re deceiving yourself.

The root of this kind of control is a fear of not being enough and losing the relationships that make you feel like enough. Deep down, we all instinctively know that we will have to let go of everything at some point. And we can’t fix this reality by wishing it away, denying vulnerability, and moving into a fantasy world where we demand that everyone else participates in our delusions.

The only way to deal with this fear is to face it in light of Jesus, recognizing that we were meant to set our hope fully on the grace that will be revealed at the coming of our Savior (1 Peter 1:13). We don’t need to scheme and manipulate circumstances to keep them from changing. We get to live in light of eternity, knowing that there’s a day coming when every tear will be wiped away and no moth or rust or thieves will destroy what we cherish (Matthew 6:20).  

When you tighten your grip, people move away from you because they feel boxed in, restrained. They sense the conditional nature of your love, and they're afraid to flex and grow for fear of how it might affect you. But paradoxically, when you are confident enough to live in acceptance, without dominating how everything unfolds, people move closer because they sense safety. They can tell you’re not afraid of reality, respect, and boundaries, but you’re willing to fully embrace life as it is and see the treasures in it. Why? Because you fully trust God.

When you realize that your worth is in your identity in Christ, you’ll be able to honor your sister's boundaries, manage disagreements with your friends, and acknowledge disappointment in a leader without losing your faith. 

Learn to see yourself and life through Christ’s eyes, and you’ll be able to enjoy the beauty of every role, every season, and every bend in every unexpected, messy road.

*No one wants to be labeled “toxic” or “codependent”, but a lot of us fall into these traps and exhibit these behaviors from time to time because we’re all dealing with inadequacy, misplaced priorities, and fears of losing people. It’s illogical to bury your head in the sand as if this could never happen to you. Denial just leads to worse toxicity because you’re actually choosing to remain stuck. The best and only way to avoid toxicity is to face the music of your actual behavior and ask the Holy Spirit to help you mature past any harmful tendences…which we all have.

George Washington once said: “A good and faithful servant is never afraid or unwilling to have his conduct looked into, but the reverse, because the more it is inspected, the brighter it shines.” In Christ, we don’t need to fear our own flaws or go on witch hunts looking for them in others. We can embrace godly self-awareness, knowing the Holy Spirit transforms every heart that is yielded to Him.